F@cking funny video

Sarah Silverman on fucking Matt Damon. This is really hilarious. It even won an Emmy.


And Jimmy Kimmel's response video gets 10-stars and all thumbs up!


alright. So some Americans do have talent. The best of them are on YouTube.

121

I just noticed (on the right side of my blog layout), I've been blogging since 2006. 121 posts in that year. Wow, time really flies. Some of those 2006 entries are hilarious, brings back good memories. And yes, Bis is STILL tortured by Holly the bimbo. And my bf will still swear that I drive him crazy. Some things just never change.

America got (no) Talent

Americans are obsessed with publicity. Just look at how many reality shows they have, and all these other talk shows. And then there are these supposed talent shows. So you think you can dance? Ya, like a giraffe maybe. American Idol? You mean American Be Idiots. America's next top model? More like Top Bitchfights. Ok ok so some of them do have genuine talent. But the latest one on America Got Talent.....I just have to say, sometimes the formula is overused, overtired, and overly stupid. Americans will do anything for publicity. Take for example the acrobatic stunts. Hello USA, half of China's child population can do that. America got Talent? Yep, one does need a lot of talent to cause a global financial panic and a couple of banks to collapse. Actually, that's pretty much lack of talent demonstrated to the extreme. And now there's this massive $700b bailout plan using taxpayers money and it's hailed as extraordinary. Ya, extraordinarily unbrilliant. $700b will feed a lot of starving countries, rebuild a lot of flagging economies and generate a lot of jobs. And even land another team on the Mars. All for the deserving. $700b for saving the rest of the world -- good, but $700b to save silly america because they are so dumb is going to be a hard pill to swallow for many of us.

Maximum Utility

I gave up downloading K-dramas since my eyes really hurt watching it from a PC screen. Besides, a giant flatscreen tv is waaaaaayyyy more fun to be watching any dramas on. I'm in between dramas now, i.e taking a butt-break (where butt temperature is raised approx 1 deg from sitting on sofa for > 8 hrs), and not to mention causing a sagging dent in one section of the sofa. Butt breaks may last anything from 3 days to 3 weeks. But that really means just not renting any dvds during this period. As for K-dramas on cable tv, since I already paid for the monthly subscription, don't watch = loogi right? So in the interest of maximum utility, might as well watch. Otherwise, subscribe to cable for what?

But really, the ones who get maximum (and even over utilize) utility from cable must be those hdb aunties. They who can faithfully follow like some 300 episodes of the taiwan mega overdrama 'Taiwan Long Juen Fong' and recite each script and character truly deserves an award for Most Rabid Drama Fan. Me, i'm just like a small time cale-fare compared to them. Power to hdb aunties.

If Holly was human...

My colleague exclaimed, the bimbo psychologist who tried to "counsel" me recently would be exactly what Holly would be if she was human. Hmm, true. Bimbo body - check. Lights in brain not sparking - check. Limited vocabulary - check. Vacant stare in the eyes - check. I'd reckon if the bimbo psychologist met Holly, the $170 session would probably go like this:

Bimbo: So how can we help you today?
Holly: I don't know. I'm confused....
Bimbo: I see. Can you explain your confusion?
Holly: I'm really confused on how to explain it....
Bimbo: O..k...What are you confused about?
Holly: I'm not sure, that's why I'm confused....

Guess there are jobs for bimbos out there after all.

Modern workplace dictionary

Came across a copy of the mag Idle Banter. Pretty interesting mag with a twist, with a couple of very educating finds.

Stress puppy - a person who thrives on stress and yet despite constant fulfillment of this fundamental need, still whinges all the time about how stressed they are.

yup yup I definitely know people like that. In fact, isn't that characteristic of most singaporeans?

Assmosis - A process by which a dumb inept individual attains high status and success by kissing up to superiors and stepping on co workers to attain empty undeserved success in a corporate environment.

Whoooooyeah. Definitely know of people like that in the office.

Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Happens to me all the time.

I think it's just better off to be the evil character rather than the good guy. Good guys always get screwed. Ok no wait, next time I want to be some rich family's pampered pooch. I get to crap on everyone and my shit gets cleaned up everytime.

Rent a Baby, and Others..

C suggests its a good idea to start a Rent-A-Baby scheme. Govt's way to incentivise and promote population growth via more baby bonus cash and maternity leave, not quite convincing. With rent-a-baby, people rent, swap the babies they want for periods of time. If you like the baby and wish to adopt it, a contract is signed with the parents with a small fee paid to us the middleman. Hmm, ok, totally illegal enterprise of course, but points for creative thinking. Now, if we do have rent-a-baby, I suggested to C that we could expand and branch out to:

Rent-a-Bf. Very useful for rainy days umbrella carrying services.
Rent-a-mistress. Stating the obvious here.
Rent-a-wife. C disagrees, he said no one in their right minds would rent a wife. Why rent a wife when you can get a mistress?
Rent-a-bitch-gf. To get rid of clingy mistress.
Rent-a-Granny. Err, not sure what this one is for....
Rent-a-Cow. Now, this one is certainly useful. In economic downturns like this, rent a cow, milk your own milk. Half to the landlord and half to you. But then, depends on what sort of economy it is after all. There's a famous economics 2-cows joke on this.

Simple Guy and a Simple Girl

I remarked to C that his car is to feed his ego.

C: Ego? I got no ego. I'm a simple kinda guy.
Me: Then why didn't u get a Honda Civic
C: cuz the last car was an Integra. Cannot downgrade from there.
Me: I dont' mind. I'm a simple girl.
C: then why do you only buy Tod's? Why don't you buy Charles & Keith?
Me: I would buy C&K if they fit me!
C: ok...then why don't u buy Bata shoes??

[LONG PAUSE]

Ok. Speechless. He got me there. There are just some things money will not buy, and that's Bata shoes (for me) and a Nissan March (for him). For all other things, there's always Mastercard.

Topless

I love macho men. In fact, much better if them macho men are topless as well. My favourite scene is always to peer at the Safra club as C drives me home, on good days I get glimpses of some rather nice (and not so nice) working out in the open field. Better yet if they are topless, there's something about sweaty muscular pecs that get my blood up. Yesterday night there was a whole lotta them out there. Yum. Slurp. Drool. As I ga-ga'd over them as C was cruising along, he smartly remarked, "I don't need to be topless for pple to notice me, all I do is just drive a Volvo convertible".

ahh. good point. Topless macho men and topless convertible. I want them both. Slurp.

Wackos united

Recently having discovered my co. actually sponsors each employee 5 free consultations with psychologists on stress management, being the typical singaporen, don't use, loogi right? So, must not loogi, must use. Even if no problem, also go and kaypoh, after all, how many pple have you heard tell you they've seen a psychologist? Maybe they'll certify I am wacko, woohoo. Called for appointment, the receptionist sounded truly inept, like a young fresh grad not sure how to handle wacko callers (or, each caller must be wacko else why would they be calling?). Nevermind. Went for appointment, another inept receptionist made me wait 20 mins while she tried to type out my particulars. I tap my toes. Hmmm. Met the psychologist, who look like another young fresh grad, who was wearing a blouse with a HUGE purple bow on the side, short flouncy skirt and black stockings. Uh huh. Bad vibes. Bad vibes. First conversation went like this:

Her: (Patronizingly. As if I am wacko) So...how can we help you?
Me: (DUH. Bimbo lights flashing on top of her head). I dunno. Aren't you supposed to tell me how you can help me? If I knew, then I wouldn't be here right?

Conversation largely went downhill from there. Her lights are clearly not very bright, especially when all she does is to ho, hum, nod her head and occasionally, "i see". Now and then, there's a "I'm confused". Huh? she's confused? Hey, I thought I'm the confused one here.

Charges on the counter indicate $170 per hour. Man, if this is the kind of work that does so little and earn so much, I'm clearly in the wrong profession. Note to all who are reading this blog --> please make sure your kids are either in banking, or psychology.

Macho macho man....

The way I see it, the role of a bf is to (1) carry shopping bags, (2) chauffeur gf around, (3) shelter gf from rain. Not necessarily in that order of course. To be fair, C does #2 very well, and can occasionally be relied on for #1 support. As we stopped by for coffee today,:

Me: (waves umbrella at C). Take the umbrella
C: I don't need it..
Me: Not for you, but to shelter me
C: ok then you take it and shelter yourself
Me: (half in jest) But you're the bf...you're supposed to do the bf-ly thing and come over and shelter me
C: (sigh) ok ok..

then after coffee:

C: ....it's not macho for guys to use umbrellas..
Me: but macho men need to take care of their cute, helpless gfs
C: (snorts). ya, only if their gfs are dressed in bikinis when hanging out with us...
Me: ok, until you find one girl willing to do that, you're stuck with me. So shelter me ....

Admittedly, I'm perfectly capable of carrying my own umbrella and often do. Sometimes I just throw a princessy-tantrum to annoy C. Dunno why. Umm, can I blame the over indulgence in K-drama??

Soju extreme

Currently watching K-drama Cruel Love (aka Bad love) now. Korean drama can really be the epitome of creativeness. The plot is so dramatic, so incredible, it can only be K-drama. The suay is damn suay, the jialat is so damn jialat, and of course all the love and relationships are so intense and dramatic one would think this culture is so extreme in expressing their affections (other than the Italians and Frenchies). Actually taiwan dramatic drama is even more drama and draggy, but at least the soju versions can keep the plot concise within 20 episodes or less. But honestly, the best bits of K-drama is often times the very good looking male leads and prettily surgically enhanced female co-stars. No one has better looking taut skin than Korean women in these soju dramas. Move over SKII, Korean cosmetics here I come.

Devil shopper

A female shopaholic is like a demon possessed. Or is it obsessed? How many pairs of shoes does a woman need? Apparently, shoes always not enough. There are never enough pairs of shoes (or enough clothes no matter how frequently I buy these days). Just couple of days back I spent 1.5 hrs dressing myself because "there's nothing to wear", I bemoaned. I have a thomas sabo charm hanging off my handphone which screams SHOPPING VICTIM. Actually they might as well make it SHOPPING DEMON. Today, oh today, I am the very proud (and very broke) owner of one Shanghai Tang bangle, another pair of (Marc Jacobs) shoes, and ....how many trench dresses does a girl need? Dunno, but at least 3 I guess. And a few more new articles of clothing. The $$$ damage? Don't even want to count. It's more fingers and toes than I (and my dogs) have.

And the most ironic thing - I STILL prefer to hang out on weekends, and often do, in my yoga attire, or shorts and t-shirt. Very unglam, very auntie, very singaporean with no style.

In Lust and Wax

Distributing flyers on Orchard road to promote and advertise business is really an ineffective way of advertising. I mean, how many of us actually read those flyers? More of us just crunch it into a ball and throw it into the next dustbin (guess people rather throw it on the floor if not for a public fine imposed on littering. FINE society that we are). But helloooooooooo.........when there is a couple of very very cute guys in sexy white singlets and jeans, showing off what is a very very fine body (oh so tapered waist and nicely toned biceps) like those you often see in swimmers, any female worth her boobs (or guys who walk on 'the other side') will sit up, stop and look twice. No, not only twice. Three times. Maybe four or five. Hello boys. You want to give me a flyer? Sure. Why not scribble your phone numbers on it too huh? Drool. Especially cute when these young men look so embarressed distributing flyers that one of them keep semi bowing in gratefulness to every female who took one from him. Unfortunately there was a sea of women between me and the first couple of boys I didn't get a chance to collect a flyer. Oh but nevermind, another pair spotted outside Takashimaya. No luck with those 2 either, and finally, finally outside of Paragon, one very sexy singlet-body presented me with one. And all this excitement to promote........... a BRAZILIAN WAX salon. I was all of stunned for 1 second, maybe a little affronted. Huh. I mean, not quite sure if its brilliant idea to use sexy guys to promote a waxing salon, but it sure as hell is wierd having a sexy male suggesting to a female that you need a wax in areas where the sun don't shine...much.

Aww heck, the guys are so cute, I don't think I mind them giving me sexy suggestions anytime. Just as I was gushing to C in enthusiasm about my latest 'cute' find and waving the wax flyer madly at him. Brilliant C that he is, aptly pointed out the little print on the flyer that says, "Voted best brazilian Wax salon...". Eh, how did the judges make this decision? Do they need more people on the judging panel?, C raised his hand to volunteer, with a twinkle in his eye and a lusty smile that would rival any old man about to get his young bimbo candy. Oh ho ho, what a fine pair we make.

Passport Surprise

I found someone's passport recently, and good citizen that I am, I promptly made my way to the police station the next morning to make a report, thinking some poor chap must be stranded in Singapore without it. Mind you, I had to detour to the police station en route to work, but as a fine upstanding citizen, hey, nevermind, I'll do it. Recently our Home Team has had some bad press, what with the Mas Selamat escape and the boo-boo of lax passport controls at changi airport and etc. Apparently there is a high turnover of the home team boys due to high stress and fatigue. Well, what greeted me at the police station is testament to the fact - I've never been to a station except one other time, and frankly, the place look tired, worn out and in desperate need of some renovation or interior design. The officers looked exhausted as well, and I really have my doubts if they could run over 400m to catch thieves without being winded. The work of an officer must not be too exciting, 2 other ordinary folks behind me came in to report a lost handphone and a change of address. For all the hoo-ha I thought was about a lost passport, I was sadly mistaken. My police station encounter was all of 5 mins of the following:

Me: I found a passport.
Officer: ok. So you want to make a report?
Me: Huh?
Officer: well, you want to report a found passport or not?
Me: Well, I'm just brining it in as the owner may be looking for it.
Officer: ok then. We'll just try to trace the owner. When and where you found it?....

And there it was. Officer scribbled location and time on a piece of scrap paper, didn't even ask for my name or contact details and promptly waved me on my way. Okay....so much for being a fine upright citizen. Ah well, I hope the poor chap is reunited with his passport by now, at least that would make my effort more worthwhile.

Motherhood?

To simulate expectant mothers, we had heavy thick blankets strapped to our waists as we went through an hour of pre-natal yoga class. Ok first thing is, this whole "swollen belly" thing really throws the body out of alignment. Bend forward? Uh, can't touch my toes, belly in the way. Bend sideways? Uh, got obstruction. Stand with feet together? Fergitaboutit. I think God is quite unfair, men should have a go at pregnancy too, how come they get to enjoy themselves during the act, contribute sperm and then live happily ever after? If I were God, everytime man made woman pregnant, the size of their testicles should shrink by half. Let's see who has the last laugh. Humph. Just the other day I was a Mac's getting a quick hash brown fix, when I spied a boy about age 7 hassling his poor parents and demanding in a tantrum and yelling at his parents, "where is my happy meal???!!!!!!", then stomps foot, yells "where is my Happy meal???!!!!!" whilst the counter staff hurried about to fill their orders. Dad was trying to appease the boy. Me, I just think this kid ought to be shot. No kid should be allowed to talk to his parents in this tone. Or, it simply means, parents these days don't know how to discipline their kids. Govt trying to encourage more kids? Better educate adults on proper parenthood first.