Like a precious store of coins we save in a chest for a rainy day, only to find when you need it most the store is really quite empty. Even the one that was the brightest spark has now dimmed; worn down by use, abuse, or taken for granted. Like the push-cart ice cream man that I would depend on daily, one day just stopped coming. No word, no sound except the missing ring of the ice cream bell. A lot of things have upped and left in the years gone by - my techie smarts (now I'm a certified techie idiot), frugality (see other paragraph about shoe-spend), ambition, humour, compassion. I'm now a grumpy, angry, naggy middle aged person. Before I hit my 40s I'll probably be like one of those bitter, sour, dour-faced, shrivelled dried up old biddies we often read about in those victorian romance novels. Yet amongst all the two brightest sparks still left would be Shameless and Clueless and their unconditional love and affection - for as long as I feed them of course. They live simply and don't ask for much. Perhaps as humans we should be taking lessons from them. Simple expectations = happiness.
Over a decade ago when I was forced to give up my first dog, I wept as I left her at SPCA, broken-hearted. She was soon picked up by a family who loved her deeply and provided better care for her than I could. I only visited once, but she thumped her tail vigorously as she greeted me despite the weeks of separation gone by. She never bore a grudge, yet I felt so ashamed I had not given her a better life in those 10 years. I had given her so little but only then I realised she had given me so much. I wept again as I left her new home, never to see her again. Ache & regret in my heart remains till now.
Loving means letting go. Apology and contrite after the fact is of little use. Like a precious vase shattered, glueing the pieces does not make it whole like before. Memories become the most precious thing.
Ballon et Coquillages in Paris, France
2 days ago