Facing up to Reality

...needs to happen when one puts on the pants purchased from a recent $400 Isetan shopping spree, to find that the pants are a little too tight.

...is when one puts on another pair of hipster pants, only to find that it's gotten so tight it's riding up to the crotch, and one cannot eat too much because a full tummy strains at the buttons.

...and the straw that broke the camels back is when one puts on her beloved Tiffany & Co. ring, but finds extreme difficulty in trying to remove it from the finger without the help of lotion or soap, because the fingers have become 'fat'.

Man, I love my jap desserts. It's my new obsession since chinese dramas no more. But maybe it's time to relook at my un-zen diet. Sigh.

Big mouth no more

Went to the dentist today for my regular polishing and mentioned to him about my 'off the joint' jaw problem on the left. Apparently it's pretty normal, due to wear and tear of the ligament. Most have it at some point in time, some more severe than others. Apparently I must have had a minor dislocation which was why I wasn't able to open my mouth for weeks to even slot a spoonful in. Dentist's advice? Don't yawn too widely (which I do), don't laugh with mouth extra wide open (which I do), don't chew too hard (I don't, I'm semi vegetarian now, yeah?). And oh yeah, eventually the wear and tear will occur on the right side too. It's only natural (whaaaaaattt!!!?).

Moral of the story? I will either be slacked jawed before I'm 40, or start chewing sideways like cows do when they munch grass. And oh, I better start mastering the art of sucking food through a straw. Yeah.

One thing for sure now, better not eat any steaks. Good news is, I can still eat durian puffs, and I had no qualms downing 8 of those really fresh puteri mas babies. Yum. I can see my arse now, baby.

Oh one last thing, C's lawyer must be some quack. Now we're all pretty sure Bis and Holly won't be destitute and homeless after all. But oh, Slick will still be buried with me (another loud yell of "Noooooooooo......!!!!") from the corner of my bed.

Just a few comments...

1. Hugh Jackman - gawd, so sexy. Drool factor 10/10.
2. Scarlet Johanssen has a wide butt.
3. Woody Allen is damn funny. (and how can a guy who looks like THAT get a wife 1/2 his age? And she was his adopted daughter....sheessh).
4. According to C, the local legislation states that one's Will is only effective, or can be executed 3 yrs after one's death. HUH??! That means Bis and Holly will be homeless and destitute for 3 yrs? Or worse still, Slick may farm them both out to the SPCA as slave labour and they both have to lick cages clean for a living. Eeeuuw.
5. I'm contacting my lawyer on #4.
6. Wait, what will happen to Codie when I die??
7. Alright, Slick shall be buried/cremated with me when I move to the nether world. At least I won't be lonely (did I just hear something yell, 'Nooooooooooo.......!!' at the corner of my bed)? hmmm.

Rat 1: Dogs 0

The Daily Rat Index is back! In a no holds barred match of Dogs vs Rat, clearly Rat had the upper hand (or feet, or whiskers, or tail....errr...). My dogs smell a rat from 100 metres off, no kidding. And when they smell one, they zoom off at warped speed, leaving me to breathe in their dust (or doggy fart). Tonight, it was a tough one - the rat was big, maybe the local rodent version of Hulk Hogan. I suppose the rat population might have convened a 'family gathering' ala mafia style, discussed the dog vs rat situation at length, and opted for 'Uncle Hulk' to represent them in the final showdown. In the long drawn battle lasting a good 30mins, I think Rat must have managed to take a few successful swipes at Bis, for I heard him yelp repeatedly and loudly a few times (kinda like dog version of "Ouch! Bloody asshole!"). Holly clearly had less of a clue what was going on, but she figured out enough to nip at Rat now and again. Of course there was one hilarious moment when Rat clearly must have launched an attack on Holly too, because she yelped and jumped some 1/2 metre into the air, did a half twist (sorta like competitive diving) and landed on all fours again. I wouldn't say she could qualify for the Bolshoi ballet company....it wasn't very elegant. 30mins into the fight and seeing how my dogs weren't exactly on the winning side, I decided to call off the match. Except 100m way later, Bis clearly decided he wasn't about to give up, and zoomed off into the field again to launch a second attack. Didn't exactly win that one either.

On a separate note, it's OOPS I DID IT AGAIN. No, not jap dessert, but spending $$ where I don't really need. So I went for the Origins mushroom facial (ha ha, no, they don't grow mushrooms on my face) and had $70 to offset against purchases. I was happy with what I redeemed for $70 when I spotted a large sign at the cashiers that said, "Free with purchase of $150 and above" - it was a pouch with a large sized Ginger wash. I was sold. Hopeless. Even though there was a feeble mental attempt to realise that I had to spend another $80 in retail to get a $30 ginger wash which I didn't really need, my weak inner self prevailed. What was that yesterday in the workshop about listening to my body? Yeah. Ok, so now I have a few more useless I-don't-really-need-these toiletries in my drawer stash. So there.

OM weak heart.

The Heart of a Cow....at Yoga

Spent the entire weekend at Mark Whitwalls "Advancing your yoga" workshop. What I thought would be a no holds barred, bust your chops (and flabby arse) type of class turned out to be primarily a lecture and yoga discussion. No wonder very few signed up for this workshop - I was surprised, and then not, cuz most yoga students are only interested in asana, and not prana. Mark brought us back to Yoga 101 - that yoga is from the heart, and not the bastardized modern day version of now what has become 'american gymnastics'. How true, that yoga is for yourself, not about emulating and huffing and puffing our way to what we think is the 'idea' pose which we all try to achieve. If we can't do a pose, we can't. It's simply the journey there using bandhas and breath that counts. Speaking of bhandas, I think I have finally figured out my mula and uddiana bhandas. For the first time ever since I remembered, I was able to experience the elusive uddiana. If nothing else, this workshop has taught me how to engage the lock, by pure and simple breathing. Also for the first time, I felt how Bakasana with uddiana engaged made such a big difference.

Of course, slothful cow that I am, as it was mostly lecture and talks during the entire 12 hr workshop, there were times I almost nodded off to sleep. During the last 2hrs of the workshop, I was haunted by repeated images of dessert at the soba restaurant at paragon. Tea time was until 5.30pm where they had a $5 dessert promo. Whilst everyone else was intensely deep breathing, I was raring for workshop to end so I could dash out for dessert. Not exactly a very zen thing. Let's just say that if I were at the gates of God's kingdom, and there was a sign that says "This way to Heaven", and on the opposite side was a sign that said, "Beautiful Jap desserts for $5", no prizes for guessing which way my flabby arse will be heading for.

I made it to dessert 10 mins before 5.30pm. Dessert plus a pot of tea and only $5.55 poorer! I was ecstatic....but wait until my flabby arse tells me otherwise. Ah well. At the heart of this cow at that moment was only the image of dessert.

OM Dessert....

The model of the smoking Cow

What happens when a cow tries to smoke? It will become one rather charred slab of beef. Inasmuch as I'd like to, this econs exam there is an unwritten 'no smoking' policy. Because one just cannot smoke economics, i.e. cannot cowdung i.e. cannot bullshit one's way through the exam answers. What happens if one tries? One becomes charred beef.

Consider this - if the exam question were to ask "What happens if a cow tries to smoke? Evaluate." One would immediately jump to the conclusion: "You get smoked beef." Short, simple, succint. Straightforward. Right? Nooooooooo. Unfortunately the german fake Tod's would probably want us to write something like this: cow = female bovine. Smoke = i.the process of inhaling a ciggy; ii. the method of cooking food over the fumes of a flame; iii. the by-product of a fire. In our model we assume the defintion ii. Assumption - a. parts of a healthy female cow (already butchered) are procured through barter at the tekka market; b. a grill is available at one's premise; c. Slick, Bis and Holly are in standby to attack said bovine meat and feast with gusto upon issue of the command "GO!". Methodology - turn on grill, heat to high, put meat on grill for 5 mins. Repeat process at medium heat, and low heat. Findings - cow smoked at high heat = charred smokey overcooked beef. At medium heat the flavour is more palatable, but seasoning is needed. At low, it's smokey on the outside, and raw on the inside. C would probably enjoy version "low". Conclusion - when a cow tries to smoke, one gets Smoked Beef. duh. BUT...... the degree of smokiness will DEPEND on the conditions of cooking and the quality of bovine bartered at the marketplace (bearing in mind Slick would have likely executed a covert beef swap using his Panama-nian middle man who would help him hawk off the good beef at a stall in Jln Cowsung in Penang). So in the end, we are all screwed.

Man, we are really all screwed when it comes to Econs exams. Cows are not logical creatures. They just sit there, chew grass and contribute to global warming but outputting methane gas at the rate of 4x per hour. Few of us would analyze how many litres of milk our udders provide daily, and how much of that output is used to make milk, and cheese, and yoghurt. And the ratio of each that is consumed domestically and the ratio of export. Thus the resulting contributing factor to GDP.

No, cows brain dead. When it comes to econs anyway. :P

Capitalism and 2 Cows....err, or is that Communism?

It has started - Economics class. Not home econs, but market economics - the buy, sell, trade, barter, exchange, where the whole world is represented on a couple of graphs on 2 axis and the intersections here and there apparently have some meaning and various implications. One of the subjects I dread most because one cannot smoke it in econs. Nevermind I have an economics degree, all that I have learnt in the past have now deteriorated to zero (possibly even negative) after years of mental rot. The fake Tod's this time round is one very tall made-in-germany. These fakies get better and better each round - this one also fast talking, very bright, very logical and very scientific. And of course, very technologically advanced....because he uses Apple.

The problem with econs is that it requires one to think like a scientist, using logic and processes to arrive at a conclusion. Wah, you can see almost all students in class blinking their eyes in compounded confusion. After all these years of being businessmen/women, none of us could really understand how the heck can the real world be explained by lines on 2 axis and a bunch of assumptions holding something or the other constant. Since the last 2 days, I've come to the conclusion that communism is probably best. Govt plans everything and everyone gets a fair share. Life is simple, right? Communism is like....you have 2 cows, everyone helps you take care of them, and we all share the milk. Actually, it's better if someone else has 2 cows, I go attend yoga classes, come home and get some milk. :)

Cow economy is so much more difficult in capitalism, I mean, so we have 2 cows, we milk them, on the way to the marketplace to sell the milk, some is spilt. And we are still taxed for 2 cows, the milk we produced (nevermind we split them), the prices we get on the milk we sell....and probably have to sell our remaining milk to demanding customers who want "buy 1 get 1 free" or they will go to the goatsmilk stall next door. C says, so we have 2 cows, we should just sell 1 and buy a bull, and we'll have many baby cows, lotsa milk and we can sideline into the beef and veal business. Maybe even open a steakhouse. Oh wow. The Marketing guy will probably say this is brilliant, the HR professor will likely say we need to implement a policy on 40-litres productivity per week per cow and provide benefits like monthly spa and ear-cleaning services. Economics guy will come around and try to scientifically prove that 40-litres is not the optimum output where the firm can maximise revenue, and the Accountant will suggest that we have 2 cows, we sell 3 to our publicly listed using letters of credit opened by Slick at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by a majority shareholder (who else but Slick?), who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more.

Err, nevermind, I think I'll stick to being semi-vegetarian. And so we have 2 vegetables....